CHristian Blog

autumn’s song…

autumn's song by Silence and Chaos I’m awakened by the morning sun creeping through my blinds.
my hands caress my face over my eyes to fight the light.
my legs massage the ruffled sheets as I turn over to hide from the light.
my eye’s are greeted by the soft light that cascades across her face.
I smile.
my limbs graze across the bed and drunking-ly find their way to the floor.
the cold wood floors send a chill up my spine as my feet shutter at their greeting.
I sit and stare into the bathroom for a moment and allow the remnants of sleep to linger.
my eyes refuse to adjust to the glare off the mirror sink.
I reach for a t-shirt draped across the bottom of the bedpost.
I put on my socks with rulers stamped onto both sides and head for the kitchen.
the light from the kitchen window stretches across the floor into the foyer.
I clumsily reach into the white cabinet for a coffee cup.
i press the power button on the Keurig.
I popped in the K-cup and I wait.
the coffee drips and the aroma is morning.
I lift the cup up to the light of the window to see the steam.
i exhale
I walk towards the front door and stare into the yard
I look up and acknowledge the tree has began to change.
i exhale
I reach down to pick up a leaf and admire the details.
every vein.
every point.
the gradient.
I take a sip of my coffee and I place it on the ground.
I reach for my phone and focus it on the cup.
i snap
I look up into the tree and say a silent “thank you”.
I walk back into the house and down the hall. coffee in hand…

Advertisements

the broken parts…

Silence and Chaos, Abandon, Brokenness, Beauty, Tennessee, Christian Bloggers, Christianity,, Life, God, Photography, Moody photographyIf we were going to all agree on something–I think it would be safe to say that we are all human. We are all full of flaws and have things about ourselves that we wish we could fix, that we wish could be different, like someone else. We would agree that there are pieces of us that we don’t want other people to see, our broken parts, our battered and neglected pieces that keep us afraid from letting in the light.

We find comfort in darkness and we take pleasure in people only being able to see the bits and pieces that allow us to appear as though we have it all together. From those dark places we judge and criticize others for not appearing as cool as we’d like to portray ourselves. I’m guilty of this  daily but are you willing to admit that you’re guilty of this too? I’m not here to convict you only to help you become aware of just how human you really are.

I grew up in a Christian family and somewhat Christian environment and I say that with hesitation, because looking back I see that there were so many things taking place that God would never stand for. I’m wiser now and have obtained more knowledge as to what the love of God is–and how he wants us to live for HIM, and what that should look like from day to day. This portrait reminds me of all that brokenness I  harbor inside of me, all of the fragments, torn bits and pieces that I try to hide from you on a weekly basis. Those pieces that I’m trying to reveal through this blog and by taking baby steps in my daily life.

I sit with coffee in my hand, or in silence in my car and sometimes I stare at the ceiling why I lie in bed and think of my life. I think of what it may look like to other people through my words, actions and behaviors and if that portrayal is true. And if I had to be honest, I’d say it probably doesn’t. Sometimes I want to break a plate on the ground, take a photo and post it to Instagram with the caption. “today, was a shitty day and i want a do over.” But I resist because cursing isn’t of my nature and my pastor says that bitter & sweet don’t come from the same place. But that doesn’t change the fact that the broken plate I didn’t photograph is still the way I felt.

I want to talk with God, you know, literally talk to God in a one on one setting. I want to inquire as to why I have so many broken parts? Why can’t I just be the person he wants me to be without the trial and error? How come I can’t refuse the urge to curse, be negative and cynical every time I feel overwhelmed? I want to know why I struggle with addiction? Why can’t my father and I have an authentic relationship? Why does my mother feel the need to lean on me for support when I feel as though I have nothing left to give? Why can’t marriage be like the Hallmark movies? Why are we so hard to satisfy as people? Why is good never good enough?

Maybe, you have some questions for God burning in your heart? I’d love to hear what they are and how are you currently dealing with the broken pieces of you?

INKED THOUGHTS

Evening LightIt’s been overcast all day, only remnants of sun barely piercing through the cumulus balls of fluff. I was so late to work today that I was ashamed of myself and I allowed it to get the best of me. The remainder of my day was off kilter and I simply couldn’t get it back together. I drove home down the backroads listening to NPR but not paying attention. I think they were discussing ISIL but then again, who isn’t? The world is truly a frightening place though most of us have become numb to it. The tragedy in the lives of others rarely affect us if we don’t allow ourselves to feel the emotions.

Today’s Inked Thought is from my junior high school year’s. I’m not truly sure what the basis of it is, but it is one of my favorite poems. As I look through my  poetry–I realize most of it is rather moody but I guess that’s just who I was and partially still am. I believe it is from the era of my parents relationship beginning to deteriorate in front of me. But any-who, as I sit here enjoying this ‘good’ evening light, the dilcid swoons of Birdy– I hope you’ll enjoy this piece of me from yesteryear. so please, feel free to grab a cup of dark roast, turn on some indie tunes and just read. its good for you.

 

UNTITLED

as time goes on

and days go by

my life seems to fall apart at the core

where the lava of spirit boils over

my desolate night sky

invaded by inquisitive midnight creatures

and crescent moons ascend

that interminable darkness of my mind

seems to get trapped in the depth of my soul

where the stars behind my eyes gaze

alone and awaiting to be lit

 

the field of my heart is sinking

to new lows of despair

which can only be revived by another’s spirit light

a lantern that sets upon the shelf of my soul

adorn my lonely hedge of blue

with your tears of sullen joy

that I might feel your void

 

and together

we. will die alone

Bittersweet farewell…for now.

Its been so long since I’ve written a post on this blog it almost feels as though I’m intruding on hallowed ground. In the beginning, the creation of this blog was to share the faith-based side of my life with other Christians or people of faith who were like-minded in their music, extracurricular activities, daily lives, etc. And well, I believe trying to separate the two were my first mistake. I’ve read a few blogs that actually do this quite well such as Food Loves Writing and The Merry Gourmet. I aspire to write as well as these ladies and you should swing by for some great recipes and stories.

I’ve been convicted in the last several months about my double-sided blog life, but I was separating the two because I was so insecure about how to approach them as one entity. My obsession and love for food with my passion to live my life for Christ. And if you were to overlook my other blog; you would see very little mentioning of my faith. Which brings me to write the post before you. Does this mean that I won’t return to Silence & Chaos? Well, of course not, but I am taking a hiatus to focus on developing my other blog, The Local Forkful, a blog about food, life and local. A blog that will cover my favorite recipes, things I’m working on in the kitchen, my few travels, stories of the wife and I, with a splash of faith throughout. But its a little bit of scary undertaking because I don’t know what it looks like. And as of lately, I can tell you that my faith has been shaky as I struggle with trying to figure out what God has in store for me. What doors I should be walking through and which doors I should be closing.

I’ve been marching to the beat of my own drum and the rhythm has been causing me nothing but angst and exhaustion. So here we are. My last post on Silence & Chaos until I have obtained the level of perfection I desire with The Local Forkful. I ask for your Prayers on this journey and hope you will come and visit. I bid you a sweet, À plus tard.

Inked Thoughts

It was a rainy day in June 2009. I remember riding home on my way from work and I was listening to a bjork album, but had begun to tune it out. You know what I mean if you’ve ever heard bjork. But I vaguely remember being overwhelmed with the want to cry. It came from nowhere. I wasn’t thinking of anything painful nor was I having a bad day. But I remember pulling into a gas station to write this down.

desert arrhythmias

she appeared out of the blue
concocted from the winds cold hands
and the warmth of the sand
there she lay barren to the suns harsh heat
and the stares of souls past
she was fragile and as frail as a starved child of many wars
awaiting a vessel of hope to be offered
from a warm hand
overwhelmed with the cracks of times
hurt      anger      pain       love
the pearls of perspiration waltzed across her mountainous brow
where the agony of the heat pierced her shallow flesh
and the sun contrived hills and valleys from the pain in her soul

Imperfect when Light Comes

First things first. We recently moved into this new apartment complex with this awful 1970’s inspired tropical pastel wallpaper that my wife and I refuse to let live. So I spent the first two months replacing it in both bathrooms. Yes, two months, not two weeks! She still talks about it…But anyways this leads me to today’s discussion of  how light reveals our imperfections.

You’ve heard this sermon many times before and it never gets old. You know- the one about Christians being light in the darkness. And this hit home with me in the simplest of ways Thursday morning. I went to our guest restroom to utilize the facilities and in that moment of glimpsing at the wall. I realized that the sunlight that was permeating through the cracks of door and highlighted some areas of this wallpaper I hadn’t fully painted. Well, for a moment I wanted be furious because I worked so hard to put this nightmarish wallpaper up. And the completion of this task alone left me feeling as though I found a cure for cancer.But we know that’s not the case. It also left me thinking that it’s really that simple . It’s as simple as stepping outside of our comfort zones to lend a helping hand, to say a few kind words, to put aside that anger and find resolution in order to be light.

It’s so easy to get caught-up in taking the worldy approach to issues in this life that we forget to be light in a dark place.  Pastor Mike Glenn of Brentwood Baptist Church once said that, “The world is angry at us (Christians) because we are not differnt enough.” I work in the restaurant industry and it is so easy to fall prey to looking like everyone else in an attempt to not be cast in the role of Jesus Freak. But this is something that I’ve slowly over time have learned to hone in on. And God in his own timing has equipped me with the skills to stand against these temptaions to belong when I should be standing out. I realize that everyones perfect in the dark, there’s nothing to shine light on the imperfections. But the moment light permeates through the cracks of a bathroom door. We’re all the same.

In short, I am so far from being the person that I believe God wants me to be. But everyday I am willing to journey with Him. And I’m here to tell you that there are days when I don’t have any idea what that looks like or who that person is. But every now and again. In the silence, He gives me a little glimpse into his plan. And I am comforted knowing that God has a plan for me. I’m in Awe! when I think of it. And there are moments in my depravity where it breaks me down and I find myself crying because I know that I’m always falling short.

Passages of Scripture for reference:
Ephesians 5:7-14
Isaiah 50:10
Luke 11:33-35
Romans 13:12