I believe that somewhere in the past I was a birthday person, but I’m not very much of a birthday person anymore. I’m not sure if that is something that comes with ‘age’ or maybe its the realization of that you actually only have one ‘day of birth’ and the dates following that are only a reminder of your existence, or something like that. I thought that thirty would feel like some huge milestone. Like, I would be thirty and I’d be able to look back over all my accomplishments while sipping an over-priced latte and say, “all is well”. But that’s not how it turned out.
I’m thirty and I have a list of things to show for my twenties. The years that apart of me feels like I let go to waste waiting for my dreams to come to me as opposed to chasing them. I don’t intend on letting my thirties fall prey to the same condition. I’ll be more intent with the way I spend my time. I already know that my relationship with God is at the top of the list of things that need to be worked on. I haven’t been praying nearly like I should, it’s almost safe to say, I haven’t been praying. God hasn’t been at my center and I’ve been feeling off-balance because of it. I find myself listening to mainstream radio, becoming convicted by the lyric content and turning on some CCM (Contemporary Christian Music). I find myself telling people I’ll pray for them and I never get around to officially praying for them so I’ll say a quick something in the car on my way to work. I pick up the Bible with the intent of reading but I set it down in another location and begin doing something else of less importance. It almost sounds like complacency but I’m not completely sure what the root of the problem is but I know that it starts with me.
But this post can’t feel completely doom and gloom because some beautiful things have come out of my twenties and I’d be remiss not to mention them. I was still trying to figure out who I was and where I wanted to go in life when I moved to Sevierville, TN to attend culinary school. I was young and ambitious and I knew that I needed to leave Oak Ridge if anything would ever happen for me. I loved living alone and having my own space to explore the details of who I am and what I wanted to be. I made some great friends along the way and I lost some friends along the way. Some people became estranged and that can feel a little overwhelming when I think about it but I try not to think about it.
I met my beautiful wife in my twenties and we’ll just leave the whole fighting cancer thing out for now. But she’s on of the best things that ever happened to me and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t feel as though I deserve her. I left Sevierville and moved to Knoxville and then moved to Nashville, which I would say is the best thing I’ve ever done. I love Nashville and I love that it’s a city that breathes and inspires creatives of all types. I’m not sure what it is I want still? I’m not sure if I should sit down and make a list of pros and cons or if I should just keep doing what I’m doing until that moment of clairvoyance takes place.
All I think I know is that I want my thirties to be better than my twenties. I want to love people more and I want to be fearless in seeking friendships. I want to have meaningful connections with people beyond good mornings and hellos. I want to find people who will be invested in knowing me the way that I want to know them. I want to find a church home and begin to plan for our future as parents and productive members of our community. We bought a home this year and I want our neighbors to know us and I want them to know Christ if they don’t already. I want to begin leaving a carbon footprint that’s worthy of taking credit for. I desire to be more organized in my thoughts and not feel so overwhelmed when I have multiple tasks. I want to live with less stress and I don’t want to dispute mundane details. I want to take advantage of beautiful weather and go for walks and hikes and explore the beauty of living in Tennessee. I want to live with the intention that I’ll leave a mark of positivity on every one that I come in contact with–a mark that will leave them wanting more out of life as well.
I’m looking forward to my thirties and it is my prayer that God will bless me with the health and ambition to accomplish all these things. And during the process, I’ll continue to strengthen my relationship with Him. Be blessed and have a happy Sunday.
Its been so long since I’ve written a post on this blog it almost feels as though I’m intruding on hallowed ground. In the beginning, the creation of this blog was to share the faith-based side of my life with other Christians or people of faith who were like-minded in their music, extracurricular activities, daily lives, etc. And well, I believe trying to separate the two were my first mistake. I’ve read a few blogs that actually do this quite well such as Food Loves Writing and The Merry Gourmet. I aspire to write as well as these ladies and you should swing by for some great recipes and stories.
I’ve been convicted in the last several months about my double-sided blog life, but I was separating the two because I was so insecure about how to approach them as one entity. My obsession and love for food with my passion to live my life for Christ. And if you were to overlook my other blog; you would see very little mentioning of my faith. Which brings me to write the post before you. Does this mean that I won’t return to Silence & Chaos? Well, of course not, but I am taking a hiatus to focus on developing my other blog, The Local Forkful, a blog about food, life and local. A blog that will cover my favorite recipes, things I’m working on in the kitchen, my few travels, stories of the wife and I, with a splash of faith throughout. But its a little bit of scary undertaking because I don’t know what it looks like. And as of lately, I can tell you that my faith has been shaky as I struggle with trying to figure out what God has in store for me. What doors I should be walking through and which doors I should be closing.
I’ve been marching to the beat of my own drum and the rhythm has been causing me nothing but angst and exhaustion. So here we are. My last post on Silence & Chaos until I have obtained the level of perfection I desire with The Local Forkful. I ask for your Prayers on this journey and hope you will come and visit. I bid you a sweet, À plus tard.
It was a rainy day in June 2009. I remember riding home on my way from work and I was listening to a bjork album, but had begun to tune it out. You know what I mean if you’ve ever heard bjork. But I vaguely remember being overwhelmed with the want to cry. It came from nowhere. I wasn’t thinking of anything painful nor was I having a bad day. But I remember pulling into a gas station to write this down.
she appeared out of the blue
concocted from the winds cold hands
and the warmth of the sand
there she lay barren to the suns harsh heat
and the stares of souls past
she was fragile and as frail as a starved child of many wars
awaiting a vessel of hope to be offered
from a warm hand
overwhelmed with the cracks of times
hurt anger pain love
the pearls of perspiration waltzed across her mountainous brow
where the agony of the heat pierced her shallow flesh
and the sun contrived hills and valleys from the pain in her soul
Well, I have always felt as though ‘silence and chaos’ was the greatest way to describe the world I lived in without being too poetic or trying too hard to be ‘deep’. Silence is where I typically felt as though God spoke to me the most while I always felt consumed by the chaos in my daily life. And I don’t mean to mislead you ‘Chaos’ is a strong word to use. But it the most accurate description for how I felt the most.
In this more or less journal of my life. We will be covering such topics and questions like. Do you have a hard time understanding people? The world around you? Events that take place from day to day. Those seen and unseen happening as you carry that latte in one hand and people magazine in the other.
I’ve been compelled to bring you thoughts on those very happenings and the way I feel about them. Is that all this blog is about? Well, no there will be plenty of randomness, pop culture, politics, some poetry, rants about life and culinary conundrums to fill in the gaps. But my purpose is to bring a new light to the things maybe we don’t tend to discuss because it makes us uneasy, feel out of place or we believe that no one cares. I encourage constructive criticism to any postings, ignorant comments or the blabberings of a fool. Spread the word and enjoy.