i’m always torn about how i feel when it comes to my childhood. i didn’t have a bad childhood but it was no sunny spring day when i look back. i’ve dealt with situations in my life that have scarred me for what I believe will be an eternity. no matter how often i say “i’m over it.” out loud, the truth is “i’m not over it.” i’m broken. broken into a million little pieces and i simply don’t know where to start putting it all back together.
i believe people on the outside believe i’m perfect and that my life has been easier than most. but that’s only due to not revealing a stained past. a past i still relive in my mind weekly. it haunts me and for the longest time i dreamt of having that part of me surgically removed. i simply find it astonishing how our mind and body allow us to relive past events as though they happened yesterday simply through a rush of emotions.
my father was an alcoholic when i was young. he was a bartender, a carpenter and a man with a sharp tongue. he knew all the right things to say and all the right moves to make. my mother was always in the medical field and she had a heart bigger than this world could bear to hold. she wanted to take on everyone else’s burdens and solve everyone else’s problems. not too say that she wasn’t a good mother because that would be far from the truth, but there was room for improvement, like most mothers, i presume. i honestly don’t know where to go with this because my story is so intricate and i’d hate to paint the wrong picture and give you the wrong introduction to my life.
all i wanted to say today is that the hurt i feel is crippling to the person that i can be.
crippling to the person that i want to be.
and crippling to the person that i will be.
is there really a way to overcome so much pain, so much anger, so much hurt that you can live a productive life? a life that won’t allow you to continue taking steps back every time those painful memories come flooding back in, filling every crevice of your mind. i don’t know. is there a separate Bible chapter for dealing with this kind of hurt? does it get better with time or do you simply suppress it every time it resurfaces?
why is walking through ‘the door of forgiveness’ such a daunting task?
many people seem to tackle the first of the year with this notion that everything is somehow going to be different but I can’ t help but wonder what different looked like at the end of the year. what percentage of these people with their new year’s resolutions and big prompts to change, are really changing?
i’m not sure how to approach this year. i don’t really believe in new year’s resolutions but i believe in changing your tactic or even your perspective to attain new results. it doesn’t have to be a long list that needs to be accomplished in three-hundred and sixty-five days but simply a shift in thought. going forward with this journey called life it is my desire to be more aggressive in my decision-making. i’m methodical and i like to think about details and look at an issue all angles but in the past this process often snow balled into an abyss of procrastination that has often gotten me into trouble.
if we could cut all the crap for a moment.
i don’t know what i want out of the future. i know that i don’t want to continue waking up and thinking about what i should be doing with my life. i don’t want to wonder if i’ve missed out on something by not making the right decisions or chasing the right opportunities. i know that i don’t want to judge people based upon their looks, personal characteristics or ideas. it is my desire to love without condition, to be more Christ-like with every move of my finger but it seems like i’m always falling short. if i can be honest for a moment sometimes i feel like Christians have it the hardest and i know it’s a lie but that’s how i feel. all i want to do is serve my God and yet, here are all the stumbling blocks positioned in the perfect places for me to fall.
why can’t we say no to sin easier than it says yes to us? why won’t God simply take away my desire to do wrong in my heart and in my mind? why can’t i just simply live to love Him and love people without all of the in-between?
sometimes i feel as though after all the scriptures and all the sermons and all the words, i still feel lost in my faith and for me that’s a scary feeling. after all, we as men are the stewards, right? leading the flock and sheltering the lost? but what am i to do when i’m the one who feels lost, when i’m the one who needs the shelter? maybe i should simply say i want to grow deeper in my faith and with that will come all the answers to all the other questions or maybe i’m back here in two-thousand sixteen telling you about another year without a new perspective.
what does the “new year” mean to you?
what changes are you making?
Its been so long since I’ve written a post on this blog it almost feels as though I’m intruding on hallowed ground. In the beginning, the creation of this blog was to share the faith-based side of my life with other Christians or people of faith who were like-minded in their music, extracurricular activities, daily lives, etc. And well, I believe trying to separate the two were my first mistake. I’ve read a few blogs that actually do this quite well such as Food Loves Writing and The Merry Gourmet. I aspire to write as well as these ladies and you should swing by for some great recipes and stories.
I’ve been convicted in the last several months about my double-sided blog life, but I was separating the two because I was so insecure about how to approach them as one entity. My obsession and love for food with my passion to live my life for Christ. And if you were to overlook my other blog; you would see very little mentioning of my faith. Which brings me to write the post before you. Does this mean that I won’t return to Silence & Chaos? Well, of course not, but I am taking a hiatus to focus on developing my other blog, The Local Forkful, a blog about food, life and local. A blog that will cover my favorite recipes, things I’m working on in the kitchen, my few travels, stories of the wife and I, with a splash of faith throughout. But its a little bit of scary undertaking because I don’t know what it looks like. And as of lately, I can tell you that my faith has been shaky as I struggle with trying to figure out what God has in store for me. What doors I should be walking through and which doors I should be closing.
I’ve been marching to the beat of my own drum and the rhythm has been causing me nothing but angst and exhaustion. So here we are. My last post on Silence & Chaos until I have obtained the level of perfection I desire with The Local Forkful. I ask for your Prayers on this journey and hope you will come and visit. I bid you a sweet, À plus tard.